Is My Partner Attracted to Me? Understanding Asexuality and the Split Attraction Model
Most recently, I saw a post on an asexuality-centered social media group from an allosexual partner (nonasexual) asking, “Is my asexual partner not attracted to me?”, and I instantly had flashbacks of my allosexual (allo) partner asking me the same thing. Four years ago, after coming out as asexual (ace) to my very heterosexual partner, we had a conversation about his feelings before the label. He expressed to me that in the 11 years we had been together, he struggled with the question of attraction. He often felt rejected, like he wasn’t good enough, or like I wasn’t attracted to him, and the truth was that sexually I wasn’t. I have always felt he was a good-looking man (aesthetic attraction), that I love spending time with and doing fun things together with like best friends (platonic attraction), and that I have always imagined us holding hands, snuggling, and sharing this romantic connection (romantic attraction), but sexually, I just can’t. And the issue was that his self-esteem and confidence were built on the idea that his partner had to be sexually attracted to him or the relationship was a failure; he was a failure. But, in his own words
“It’s not me specifically you aren’t attracted to, you aren’t attracted to anyone. Knowing you are asexual and not sexually attracted to anyone is what makes it okay.”
Learning about asexual discourse, or the language aces use to discuss and describe their experiences, allowed me to speak to my partner on my experiences in a way he could understand. Admittedly, it was hard for him to wrap his mind around the idea that not everyone experiences sexual attraction, but he came to the conversation with an open mind and a lot of love. In other words, while it is normal to fear a partner not being attracted to their significant other, fear not! Sexual attraction is not the only type of attraction. So, while I may not be sexually attracted to my partner, there’s a whole lot of other ways that I am attracted to him, nonetheless.
Asexuality and Myths Surrounding the Orientation
Asexuality is a dynamic and evolving sexual orientation that describes an umbrella of experiences within a spectrum, where those who identify as asexual experience little to no sexual attraction (Carroll & Wenzel, 2025; Hall & Hall, 2025). In other words, some experience sexual attraction to only those they form an emotional connection to (Demisexual), while some experience sexual attraction in an intermittent and unpredictable pattern (Greysexual; Grey A), and still others don’t experience sexual attraction at all (Asexual; Hall & Hall, 2025). Each of these presentations are different and distinct but valid within the asexual spectrum.
Because of the nascent nature of asexuality along with the past erasure of the orientation, countless myths have taken root regarding how the orientation is perceived and understood (Decker, 2014). In her 2014 book, The Invisible Orientation, Julie Sondra Decker addressed many of the myths that exist on asexuality: Asexual people did not fail at dating, do not have a hormone issue, and are not too busy for sex (Decker, 2014); in fact, many of us have and enjoy sex, while some do not. The asexual experience varies, and no two aces are the same (For more info on ace attitudes towards sex, see AVEN [https://www.asexuality.org/?q=attitudes.html]). Other sources describe myths including asexuality originating due to trauma, bad sexual experiences, and to not having met the “right” person (“Ace/Aro Mythbusting”, n.d.). We are not boring, repressed, or choosing to not experience sexual attraction or swearing off sex (“Ace/Aro Mythbusting”, n.d., Decker, 2014). Asexuality is a sexual orientation, not a choice.
The Split Attraction Model (SAM)
One of the most pernicious myths, however, is that there is only one form of attraction – sexual attraction. Such a myth undercuts the multidimensional experience of being attracted to someone and what that means, for asexual and allosexual people alike. Often, people associate attraction with sex, due to compulsory sexuality and amatonormativity, however the Split Attraction Model (SAM) suggests there are many different forms of attraction (Brake, 2014; Winer, 2025). This model allows asexual peoples to have a more nuanced conversation of our own experiences (“Ace/Aro Mythbusting”, n.d.; Winer, 2025).
In a 2025 article from Canton Winer, Splitting Attraction: Differentiating Romantic and Sexual Orientations Among Asexual Individuals, he describes the importance of the model although little research has been discussed on the topic. The lack of research by no means suggests, however, a lack of history on the topic. Dating all the way back to the ancient Greeks, there were different terms for different types of love (eros “passion”, philia “friendship”, and agape “unconditional love”), which seem to presently be associated with romantic, platonic, and familial forms of love. Today, many asexuals use SAM to better articulate experiences of romantic and sexual attraction. However, the asexual community has identified other forms of attraction aside from sexual and romantic, which only serve to further improve the ways in which people are able to communicate their experiences (Mangen, 2024).
Mangen (2024) provided a succinct definition section in their bachelor’s thesis for Walden University, where they describe different forms of attraction. These include sexual attraction, romantic attraction, aesthetic attraction, alterous attraction, platonic attraction, and sensual attraction, while more commonly asexual research refers to sexual and romantic attraction alone (see image for definitions; Hall & Hall, 2025, Mangen, 2024; Winer, 2025). Although these definitions are a good start, it is noticeable that the list isn’t exhaustive and, in the past, I have seen terms such as familial, intelligence, and queerplatonic forms of attraction mentioned. It should also be noted that, as described by Winer (2025), the research on SAM is still sparse and needs to be researched further for more understanding of the terms, definitions, and how the model works for asexuals and allosexuals, alike.
Why This Matters for Couples
In relationships, asexuality can certainly add an unexpected layer of complexity; whether one of the partners knows they are asexual or not. As I previously described, my own partner had to not only learn about asexuality and its discourse, but how to incorporate that new way of being into our relationship. My asexuality was and is currently significantly influential in our relationship – it changed our relationship dynamic, and I would be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge that. So, here is some insight related to aces in relationships:
1. Unless an asexual person also identifies as aromantic, they are said to have discordant sexual and romantic attraction types.
A study in 2022 reported that 89.4% of all adults reported concordant sexual and romantic attraction. In other words, allosexual people tend to experience attraction styles that match (e.g., heteroromantic and heterosexual; Clark & Zimmerman, 2022). Asexuals, for example, who are aromantic (or does not experience romantic attraction), also have concordant attraction types. Aromantic asexuals, however, only make up 19% of the ace population. Alternatively, 81% of all people who identify as asexual have discordant sexual and romantic attraction types, which may mean they identify romantically as homoromantic but sexually as asexual (Clark & Zimmerman, 2022).
In practice, this means that asexuals (self-identified or not) may experience romantic attraction without sexual attraction and find themselves in relationships with those who may or may not identify the same way – my own relationship with my partner would be considered discordant because our attraction styles do not entirely line up. Using this information in a relationship can mean understanding that each partner’s worldview is not only different but at a different at the fundamental level of interpersonal relationship perspectives. For my partner, it was realizing that I don’t “check out” other people…at all. For me, it was realizing that he does but it doesn’t necessarily mean anything important.
2. Having discordant sexual and romantic attraction styles does not mean incompatibility.
Based in not only my own experience, but a 2024 study on ace and allosexual relationships, it is entirely possible to have a successful relationship, where both partners may have discordant sexual attraction styles, but still find ways to make it work (Higginbottom, 2025). According to Higginbottom (2025), 102 asexual participants within their study had either been or were currently in a health romantic relationship. Although the relationships were reported to vary in degrees of intimacy and sexual activity, communication and partner acceptance were found to be foundational in forming and maintaining those healthy relationships.
Furthermore, as described by Higginbottom (2025), asexual relationships don’t generally follow a “traditional” heteronormative social script. This may mean that sex takes a backseat to other forms of intimacy, or it may mean couples open their relationship up to polyamory or other non-traditional relationship styles to ensure both parties have their needs met. Alternatively, others in asexual-allosexual relationships have found various forms of compromise to be an effectively solution, if the asexual is not sex-averse. In fact, asexual people have been reported to find enjoyment in sex and other sexual activities (Higginbottom, 2025).
3. Aces have a variety of attitudes related to sex and yes, some even like it.
This leads us to the next point, which is that asexual people, regardless of level of sexual attraction, are still human and have a libido that varies like anyone elses. Despite myths to the contrary, asexual people may also enjoy masturbation as well as sex (Decker, 2014). Because desire for sexual interaction looks different for aces, it means understanding the variations in attitudes towards sex as well as the nuances of consent. To start, AVEN (n.d.) has a wonderfully comprehensive matrix that displays the complexity of asexual attitudes towards sex; see below.
In a study from Clark and Zimmerman (2022) only 6% of a sample of 109 asexuals identified as sex-positive, while the vast majority of asexuals in the study were more likely to be sex-neutral or sex-averse. Like their sex-positive counterparts, sex-neutral aces held more positive views of sexual activity than their sex-averse counterparts.
In practice, this means understanding that consent isn’t always a loud “yes” or resounding “no”. Emily Nagoski (2022) described the various levels of consent in their blog, Confidence and Joy by Emily Nagoski. Titled “Enthusiastic, Willing, Unwilling, Coerced”, Nagoski (2022) explores the nuances of consent. They discuss the work of sex therapist Suzanne Iasenza, when differentiating from enthusiastic consent and willing consent, which was described as “When I want you” or “When saying no means missing out on something I want” (enthusiastic) as compared to “When I care about you, though I may not desire you (right now)” or “When I expect that desire will begin after I say yes” (willing). Both styles of consent can be found in any romantic relationship regardless of sexual orientation. The difference becomes clear when understanding that for many aces, the enthusiastic yes might be rare, while the willing form of consent is all we may ever have.
Here is a metaphor that I prefer to use when talking to allosexuals about the way I feel regarding sex (again, this is based only on my own experience):
Sometimes, my partner and I will sit down and watch a movie after our kids go to bed – yes, let’s dispel another myth: asexuals can and do have children. He tells me he wants a snack from the pantry and decides to go look (honestly, hunt is more appropriate) for something. Excitedly, he comes over from the pantry holding a snack we maybe had last week or haven’t seen in a while (depending on the circumstances). I’m not excited like my partner is, but nonetheless I enjoy that snack – it’s delicious, but it’s not something I would’ve picked and where it was located in the cupboard, I probably would not have chosen it, but he likes it and once we sit down and start snacking, I’m sure I will remember why I like that snack so much. At the end of the day, he loves it so I compromise and tell him “We can have this, but I also want something else too”, in this way, we are both happy and enjoy the movie.
This metaphor may not work for everyone and in fact, those who are sex-averse should never have to compromise their feelings towards sex to have a partner. Truly, it’s about finding the someone who wants to take the journey and knows what that journey will entail because they have taken the time to be open minded and learn. It’s them saying, “You mean more to me than sex ever could” and “You are perfect as you are. You don’t need to be ‘fixed’.” While this isn’t always in the cards, it does exist. Are you that allosexual partner, who chooses love over sex? I hope so.
Conclusion
In conclusion, if your ace partner says they love you, they mean it. Their attraction just looks different and may consist of other types of attraction. They may not be sexually attracted to you, but they aren’t sexually attracted to others either. Being asexual does not include signing up for a monolithic experience. It means that calling asexuality an umbrella term or a spectrum of experience isn’t a misnomer – there is an incredible amount of variation and diversity within the community. In fact, researchers (me included) are still working to understand the nuances between asexual experiences and how to improve a variety of aspects in an ace’s life as well as the lives of their partners (e.g., mental health, interpersonal relationships, well-being, identity development, and more). It is my hope that future research moves from theory into applications such as how the guidelines we create based on research findings can help mixed-orientation couples find success and happiness within their relationships or find ways to increase positive discourse between ace and allosexual partners. Relationships are not a unilateral scale, where nurturing one side of the relationship will make it successful, both sides – both partners – matter here and ensuring that we understand and accept the perspectives of our partners can only strengthen relationships. Finally, in what ways do you feel attraction? I encourage you to think deeply on how attraction appears in your own life.
Cake, spaceships, and dragons to all,
Danielle L. Hall
References
Asexual Visibility & Education Network [AVEN]. (n.d.). Asexuals and Attitudes Towards Sex. https://www.asexuality.org/?q=attitudes.html
Brake, E. (2012). Minimizing marriage: Marriage, morality, and the law. OUP USA.
Carroll, M., & Wenzel, M. (2025). New dimensions, new directions: Asexualities and aromanticism in the 21st century. Sex & Sexualities. https://doi.org/10.1177/3033371251332285
Clark, A. N., & Zimmerman, C. (2022). Concordance between romantic orientations and sexual attitudes: Comparing allosexual and asexual adults. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 51(4), 2147–2157. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-021-02194-3
Hall, D. L., & Hall, D. L. (2025). Asexual identity strength and age of self-identification as factors in mental health. Psychology of Sexual Orientation and Gender Diversity. Advance online publication. https://doi.org/10.1037/sgd0000874
LGBTQIA+ Wiki. (2024, October 8). Attraction. https://lgbtqia.wiki/wiki/Attraction
Mangen, K. (2024). Splitting Attraction: A Phenomenological Study of Coming Out With Discordant Sexual and Romantic Orientations Among Adults. Walden University.
Nagoski, E. (2022, April 22). Enthusiastic, willing, unwilling, coerced. Confidence and Joy by Emily Nagoski | Substack. https://emilynagoski.substack.com/p/enthusiastic-willing-unwilling-coerced-22-04-22
Oxford University LGBTQ+ Society [OULS]. (n.d.). Ace/Aro Mythbusting. https://www.oulgbtq.org/acearo-mythbusting.html
