Platonic vs Romantic Relationships
It was a quiet afternoon, when someone in a writing group on Facebook asked for insight into writing an asexual character for their book. As a researcher, who is asexual, and whose research focus is on asexuality—specifically romantic relationships of asexual people— I was excited to help craft better asexual representation in fiction. The asexual community is used to representation that sucks or is only ace-coded (i.e., House, M.D. [see S9, E8], Sheldon Cooper, Dexter Morgan)(Stebelton, 2021) and as such, I wanted to help in any way that I could. One of the first questions I was asked was, “Given the lack of sex, what’s the difference between a best friend and long term relationship material, AKA “the one” for asexuals?”.
As someone who has never been particularly good at maintaining friendships that arise to “bff status”, I wasn’t sure how to address this. I self-identify as demi-panromantic asexual, but have also been married for nearly fifteen years to an allosexual cisgender man. When we first met, I had not heard of the term asexual and wouldn’t for well over a decade into our relationship, which certainly made for some rough times. Today, my husband and I consider ourselves best friends AND a happily married couple, but what’s the difference between the relationship labels for the asexual community and how do we negotiate between them?
“Given the lack of sex, what’s the difference between a best friend and long term relationship material, AKA “the one” for asexuals? ”
By more traditional allonormative conceptions, according to Dawson et al. (2019), “what distinguishes a ‘romantic’ relationship from a friendship is partly the presence of sex” (p. 10), which requires extensive boundary negotiations not typically seen to arise to the same level in platonic relationships. This is in line with sexual script theory, which according to Clark et al. (2023) refers to the idea that some level of sexual desire and subsequent sexual behavior is expected in romantic relationships. It is these sexual scripts for asexuals that tend to distinguish asexual romantic relationships from allonormative ones. Clark et al. (2023) stated that asexuals are aware of these scripts and the associated expectations of these scripts in relationships featuring an allosexual partner. Dawson et al. (2019) goes on to describe these boundaries as lines for asexual people to negotiate within, while their partner has similar negotiations that they too must contend with.
It is partly this idea of sexual script theory, which may create challenges in intimate friendships for asexual people. In their 2019 article, Freedom and Foreclosure: Intimate consequences for asexual identities, the findings from Dawson et al. (2019) focused on the themes of freedom and foreclosure; specifically, the consequences of having an asexual identity, which may mean foreclosure of tradition ideology regarding intimacy, while providing the freedom to create new ways of being within an intimate relationship.
Because romantic intimate relationships tend to take center stage in most lives, there are added pressures in platonic relationships that also set them apart from long-term romantic relationships. For example, according to Dawson et al. (2019), barriers to forming close platonic relationships exist because asexual people tend to have different priorities and experiences. They describe this barrier as a, “... foreclosure of friendships due to the assumption that others would have different priorities and experiences, making the shared understanding of friendship difficult to achieve” (p. 8). Another foreclosure related to friendship is the fear that the platonic friend may want more with one participant explaining, “... I just want a friend, please don’t misunderstand me, please don’t take it further, please don’t ruin it. (Josie, mostly asexual, 25)” (p. 11). While relationships are free to change over the course of time, intimate platonic relationships may be confusing for allosexual people who over time might develop sexual attractions related to the differing relational priorities they may have as compared to asexuals.
Digital illustration (Sampley, 2025)
Going back to the original question: “Given the lack of sex, what’s the difference between a best friend and long term relationship material, AKA “the one” for asexuals?”. Obviously, I cannot answer for everyone given that I only have my own experience to go off from, but for me, it's the sense of being centered in another’s life and the stability of shared purpose. Best friends have their own lives, potential partners, and personal considerations. Because Westernized culture focuses on amatonormative standards, people often prioritize their romantic relationships over other types of relationships including family and friendships. Put simply, friends tend to prioritize their own romantic relationships, meaning that their friends, no matter how close they are, take a back seat. With a romantic relationship, featuring long term relationship potential, it’s an unwritten, unspoken rule that those in the relationship should center the other partner. For me, this has always meant greater relational security (again, this is not the experience of all asexuals). Furthermore, with a romantic partner, there is no ambiguity. In my own relationship, we have a shared vision for our relationship and for our combined futures. Sexual experiences are negotiated just as a couple may choose a movie to see at the theater or a snack from the back of the pantry. It’s part of our intimate relationship experience but not central to it.
What are the takeaways? Different types of relationships require different forms of negotiation, but I am suggesting that the defining components of a romantic over a platonic relationship involve the understanding of where the relationship exists within the other person’s life and context. When you take sex out of the equation, sure things may start to look more similar, however the priorities of each type of relationship don’t change. You are either a central priority or an important side quest and while, I acknowledge this might not always be true in all circumstances, it has certainly been my experience.
“... for me, it’s the sense of being centered in another’s life and the stability of shared purpose”
Looking ahead, seeing research extend into asexual qualitative experiences of long term romantic relationships and long term platonic relationships would be interesting. I would also challenge other researchers to think beyond allonormative theories by crafting asexual ones that further asexual dialogue for when we talk about our experiences. For example, are there any equivalent sexual script theories in asexuality, where asexuals believe certain behaviors are necessary for a relationship? I don’t know, but I would love to find out.
Cake, spaceships, and dragons to all,
Danielle Hall
References
Clark, A. N., Lefkowitz, E. S., & Zimmerman, C. (2023). Sexual and affectionate behaviors in asexual and allosexual adults. Journal of Sex Research, 60(2), 242–252. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2022.2051161
Dawson, M., Scott, S., & McDonnell, L. (2019). Freedom and foreclosure: intimate consequences for asexual identities. Family, Relationships and Societies, 8(1), 7–22. https://doi.org/10.1332/204674317X15011694317558
Sampley, C. (2025, July 24). [Digital Illustration]. The California Aggie. https://theaggie.org/2017/06/12/asexuality-questioning-the-age-old-playbook-on-romance-intimacy-love-sex/
Stebelton, J. (2021, July 26). Asexual Representation on TV: the Good, the Bad and the Ugly. Medium. https://medium.com/a-sign-on-the-door/asexual-representation-on-tv-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly-85c647878c8a
